


Regulus Black and the Way Things Changed: A Not!Fic

by imaginary_golux



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It of Sorts, Minor Character Death, Multi, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 02:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14906663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginary_golux/pseuds/imaginary_golux
Summary: What if Regulus Black, and not Severus Snape, ended up being the turncoat Potions Master of Hogwarts?A not!fic written in bullet points, ignoring the Deathly Hallows entirely because they annoy me.Beta by my immensely patient Best Beloved, Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw, and by the delightful starbirdrampant.





	1. Not!Book One

-So Regulus Black survives stealing the Horcrux, on account of his house elf being unexpectedly badass or similar

-And he goes home to his creepy obsessive mother and says, “Hey mom, guess what, the Dark Lord just tried to off me,” which is debatably true but _guaranteed_ to piss her off

-And suddenly the Official Black Viewpoint on Voldemort is that he Needs To Be Dead (which dismays Bellatrix but is actually something of a relief to Narcissa)

-Unfortunately Sirius is a bit busy being a covert operative for the Order of the Phoenix and doesn’t hear about this, and also he’s still basically disowned on account of being a reckless Gryffindor idiot

-So it’s still Snape who overhears the prophecy and tells Voldemort, but it’s probably Regulus who _hears_ Snape tell Voldemort (before the whole almost-dying thing) and goes hotfoot to Dumbledore like, “So I hear you have a Chosen One, _you should protect him_.”

-And Dumbledore is smart enough to hire him on the spot and apprentice him to Slughorn whether either of them likes it or not

-Which Regulus doesn’t because his tolerance for creepy flattery is fairly low, but hey, you do what you’ve gotta

-But because _he’s_ there, Snape does not manage to get the job, which doesn’t help at all with his ‘everyone is out to get me’ worldview, and then Lily Evans is murdered by Voldemort and everything goes to hell and Snape doesn’t have Dumbledore’s backing and ends up in Azkaban just like everyone always knew he would, the greasy bastard (says everyone who has the time to think about it)

-Amusingly enough, he ends up across the hall from Sirius Black, who has been tossed unceremoniously in Azkaban for betraying his friends, murdering Peter Pettigrew, and blowing up seventeen Muggles. This has the somewhat unexpected side effect of causing the Dementors to avoid that entire _hallway_ , because there are Absolutely No Happy Thoughts available, on account of Snape and Sirius being _so busy hating each other_.

-Like seriously, they basically come up with a schedule: up at seven, bowl of gruel, sneer at each other for two hours, have a screaming fight, bowl of gruel for lunch, three hours of furious glowering, another screaming fight, bowl of gruel for dinner, nasty sniping insults until bedtime.

-The Dementors have never found two humans so perfectly suited to torture _each other_ before.

-Anyway!

-So Regulus is the new Potions Teacher after Slughorn retires, and also ends up as the head of Slytherin House because nobody else will take the job

-And he is very explicitly anti-Voldemort not because he’s still creepily obsessed with a dead woman but because he figured out from first principles that Voldemort was _wrong_ and also had created Horcruxes and yeek, dude, those are so evil even the _Black Family Library_ only has one book on them and it’s _How To Not Create Horcruxes_.

-So the kids in Slytherin get these quiet talks about how while Muggles are, indeed, not as worthy as wizarding folks, there are also a lot of them, and the entire wizarding world would probably die out without them, and also Voldemort had no qualms about killing purebloods for shits and giggles, including (gasp) their Head of House himself, Lord Black, the best teacher at Hogwarts

-This causes a slow but noticeable shift in the politics of Slytherin House, to wit, the motto basically gets rewritten to “Be ambitious enough to take over the world, but don’t be _stupid_ about it.”

-Also, Regulus has a very quiet long-running project with Albus, that they mostly work on in the summers, to the tune of, “Well, if Voldemort had _one_ Horcrux, he probably had _others_ , and we should maybe find them…”

-By the time Harry Potter comes to Hogwarts as a titchy little eleven-year-old, Regulus and Albus have managed to find the Diadem (because Regulus is a Slytherin and understands the urge to hide an evil artifact _in the school you want to conquer_ ) and the Gaunt Ring (because Regulus has memorized the family trees of every single important family in Great Britain and most of the ones on the Continent, and there’s really only so many people you can be descended from if you’re claiming to be Slytherin’s Heir; Albus is not dead of Ring on account of Regulus going “You cannot possibly be stupid enough to _put a Horcrux on_ , Albus”) and the Cup (because Bellatrix hid it in a Black vault, and Regulus is Lord Black these days, and really his cousin always did have more hair than sanity).

-This gives them Locket, Diadem, Ring, and Cup; they’re missing Book, Harry, and the as-yet-uncreated Snake.

-They haven’t figured out how to _destroy_ them yet, but they’re all locked up in the basement of 12 Grimmauld Place, behind so many wards it takes thirty minutes to get in even if you’re _authorized_.

-Incidentally, Grimmauld Place has been renovated, because after Regulus’s mother died, he looked around and went, “Wow, this place is creepy as hell. Kreacher! We’re going for a new aesthetic,” and Kreacher went, “Yes, wonderful Master!” and now the whole place is in white and green with silver accents and actually looks like a place you might want to spend time for reasons other than “on the run from the law and haven’t any better choices.”

-Apart from the bits in the basement where the Really Dark books and the Horcruxes got stashed.

-So Harry comes to Hogwarts and his Potions Teacher is this tall dark fellow who sneers at everyone but who is _not_ considered by all and sundry to be the Embodiment of Evil, and who has no particular grudge against Harry on account of his dead mother, and Harry actually does alright in Potions class.

-He _does_ still end up mixed into the whole mess with the Stone, because this is Harry we’re talking about, but the Trio pretty much figures out the problem is Quirrell from the word ‘go,’ because Professor Black is not sweeping around being Gratuitously Evil all over everything and therefore is not the immediate target of suspicious eleven-year-olds.

-It’s worth noting here that Professor Black has a Vested Interest in not having cauldrons explode every class, because it makes _such_ a mess and he loses so many robes that way, so when Neville Longbottom turns up he sort of puts a hand over his eyes and then orders Neville to report to Remedial Potions two nights a week. There’s already a Hufflepuff and a particularly head-in-the-clouds Ravenclaw from that year alone.

-Also Regulus pays attention when people are gossiping in the staff room, and about a month into the school year he says, “Longbottom! What are the properties of Devil’s Snare?” and Neville, to his own surprise, _knows the answer_ and earns an entire point for Gryffindor from the head of Slytherin House!

-Neville Longbottom’s Boggart in this universe is still the great-uncle who dropped him out a window.

-So that’s the end of Harry’s first year.


	2. Not!Book Two

-There _is_ still a curse on the DADA position, because Voldemort was smart enough to hide _that_ down with the basilisk, which Albus and Regulus haven’t even begun to guess is a problem, so second year everyone still has to deal with Lockhart

-Regulus Black _hates_ Lockhart, because no one ought to be more fabulously dressed than Regulus in his own _school_ , you flamboyant fucker, I will out-magnificent you if it’s the last thing I do

-Regulus might, possibly, be something of a clothes-horse

-The entire school takes sides in the Lockhart-Black debate, and Harry finds himself (to his own mild dismay) siding with several members of Slytherin House as they argue that at least Professor Black is _competent_ , you guys, come on.

-Malfoy is still a prat. Some things never change.

-And then the whole mess with the basilisk, and while Harry is babbling out the story afterwards to an appalled audience of teachers and staff, Albus and Regulus look at each other and go, “Welp, Book was obviously a Horcrux, basilisk fangs apparently do the job of _destroying_ Horcruxes like nobody’s business, that kid in the bed is the Chosen One and stabs things with basilisk fangs like it’s his _job_ , there’s at least one more basilisk fang down in the Chamber which incidentally OMG rare potions ingredients for _years_ , I think we have a summer project.”

-A very confused Harry gets to stay over at Hogwarts for the summer and help turn the basilisk into a heap of incredibly valuable potions ingredients. It’s still better than the Dursleys.

-Also he gets to stab four different incredibly valuable pieces of wizarding history with a basilisk fang.

-He can never tell Hermione about having destroyed Ravenclaw’s Diadem.

-Screaming soul-bits rising out of stabbed artifacts are _creepy as hell_.

-Regulus is investigating the Chamber to see if Voldemort hid any Horcruxes down _here_ \- it would make sense, right? - and his finding spells keep leading him back to Harry. He doesn’t say a damn thing about it to _Harry_ , because a twelve-year-old kid probably should not be told he’s got a bit of Dark Lord stuck in his head, Merlin, what a nightmare-inducing scenario.

-Also how do you tell if a Horcrux is influencing someone? Is that perfectly normal teenage angst, or something more sinister?

-Regulus and Albus start doing some research on how to take a Horcrux out of a living creature, which is...a little difficult because there’s frankly not a lot written about Horcruxes in the first place and in the second place most of it’s on how to _make_ them not how to very carefully unmake them.

-Regulus _is_ Slytherin-pragmatic enough to kill the Chosen One if that’s the only way to get rid of the Dark Lord, but he’d like to make sure all the _other_ bits of the Dark Lord are dead first.

-Albus keeps waffling between “But Harry is just a child and should be coddled!” and “I must train my great weapon against the Dark!” and Regulus is _so done with this shit_. Just pick one already, he doesn’t care which. Seriously.


	3. Not!Book Three

-So then third year! Sirius Black breaks out of prison during the summer, for reasons no one can figure out, and the only person to see him go is Severus Snape, who is found laughing hysterically and raving about a black dog, and has therefore clearly been driven mad by Dementors, ah well, no great loss, moving on, nothing to see here.

-If anyone is going to be able to master the Animagus transformation without any training, in Azkaban, for no reason other than Pure Spite (™), it’s going to be Severus Snape.

-Also Remus Lupin has been hired as the new DADA teacher on account of the last one being Obliviated of everything ever.

-Regulus won the fabulous-off. He’s not smug. How could you think that?

-While clearing the Chamber of Secrets, he and Albus found the artifact holding the curse on the DADA position, and as long as you’ve _got_ a basilisk fang on hand…

-So on the one hand, Remus is the first competent and probably-not-evil DADA professor they’ve had in a while.

-On the other hand, he’s friends with Regulus’s escaped-convict brother and also a Werewolf, and Regulus is Not Happy about having a werewolf in the school. He totally does the “stand over Remus while he drinks his Wolfsbane” thing, but honestly Remus is just like, “yeah, fair, I wouldn’t trust me either if I was you,” and Regulus is like, “werewolves are not supposed to be this calm and likeable, I do not even know what is going on, am I friends with a werewolf? I might be friends with a werewolf. Or allies. I can be allies. Allies is a good Slytherin term. We are both on Team Keep Potter Alive Until Voldemort Is Dead.”

-Remus has made a Friend! He is clever and amiable and Knows Remus’s Secret but Will Not Betray Him and it’s very nice, especially on account of Remus’s old friend (ahem, “friend,”) having just broken out of Azkaban, which is Awkward.

-So then Sirius grabs Ron (to get to Peter) and everyone ends up in the Shrieking Shack and there is a _lot_ of shrieking, which includes Sirius yelling “Get behind me, Harry, Regulus is a _Death Eater_ ,” and Regulus yelling, “Get behind me, Potter, Sirius is a _Death Eater_ ,” and Remus putting both hands over his face and going, “Oh Merlin, two of them, there are two mad Blacks in my life, what even the _fuck_.”

-So eventually Sirius and Regulus _notice_ what the other one is yelling and there’s basically a complete farce of both of them going, “But I thought _you_ were the evil one!” and then Sirius is just like, “Brother! You’re _good_!” and grabs Regulus and gives him a celebratory noogie, and Harry looks at Remus all _what even the hell_ and Remus is just _crying_ trying not laugh, because yep, that’s Sirius for you.

-Also his boyfriend-slash-lifemate isn’t really evil, today is looking up.

-Except for the bit where he forgot to take his Wolfsbane. Fuck.

-On the plus side when he yells, “Take the children and _run_!” both Regulus and Sirius grab the nearest kid and head for Hogwarts at _speed_.

-This leaves Peter Pettigrew alone in the Shrieking Shack with a werewolf.

-Oops?

-Nobody knows if Peter survived _this_ time, because there’s so much blood everywhere that...well...I guess we’ll find out if he ever turns up?

-Unfortunately Sirius is _still_ technically an escaped convict, so he turns back into Snuffles before they get to Hogwarts proper, and Regulus in a moment of Utter Glee (™) is like, “Oh, this is my dog, he’s _very devoted to me_ ,” and Sirius has to fawn doggily on his brother.

-This backfires.

-Sirius is totally okay with slobbering adoringly on his brother’s shoes, because it means he gets to slobber all over Regulus and his fancy clothes and Regulus can’t do a damn thing about it.

-Regulus regrets many life choices, mostly the ones that ended with his brother being a regrettably convincing _dog_.

-Incidentally, the side plot with Buckbeak goes sideways when Malfoy starts whining about Buckbeak having been _mean_ to him and his Head of House gives him this _Look_ and sneers, “Are you a Black or a sniveling _Malfoy_ ,” because technically the Blacks are the older and more prestigious family and Professor Black is the Head of _that_ Ancient and Noble House, and Malfoy has to go reassess his life choices, which makes his head hurt. He takes it out on Harry, who doesn’t know why Malfoy keeps finding him to have insult battles, but alright then, whatevers.

-Harry’s godfather is a dog and he spent the summer stabbing Horcruxes, Malfoy is frankly the least confusing part of his day.

-Remus resigns at the end of the year because he Cannot Deal with having Put Students In Danger, it’s just Not Acceptable.

-Regulus facepalms _hard_ , because Merlin, Remus was the first competent DADA teacher they’ve had in years, how are they supposed to be on Team Not Letting Potter Die Yet if Remus is _leaving_?

-Clearly the answer is to guilt Remus into coming and living at Grimmauld Place.

-So until Sirius can get exonerated (which is going to happen as soon as possible if Regulus, Lord of the Ancient and Noble House of Black, has anything to say about this travesty of a miscarriage of justice), he’s staying at Grimmauld Place.

-Which is actually hilarious, because he walks in for the first time in fifteen years and goes, “Wait, do I have the wrong house?” because everything is light and airy and open and really quite pleasant, and there’s no screaming portraits _anywhere_ , and even the house-elf heads have been relocated to Kreacher’s room.

-Regulus has given Sirius the room right next to Remus’s, because Remus is not as subtle as he thinks he is about the whole Sirius-is-my-lifemate thing and Regulus is sort of a troll.

-But being in Azkaban for so long has not been good for Sirius, as one might expect, and he’s pretty much decided that the fact that Remus and Regulus get on as well as they do means that _they’re_ in love, and his werewolf sweetheart has Abandoned Him and everything is terrible.

-He and Remus both spend the summer moping.

-Regulus does not have time for this shit.

-Harry has to spend _some_ of the summer with the Dursleys on account of the blood protection, but he gets brought to Grimmauld Place basically as soon as the clock strikes midnight on his birthday morning, because Sirius is Giving His Godson A Proper Birthday Party, Dammit.

-Harry is delighted.

-Harry is less delighted that his godfather and his favorite professor ever are moping at each other.

-Sirius and Regulus get into Yet Another screaming fight (it’s basically the only way they communicate, Remus sighs to Harry) and it culminates in Sirius accusing Regulus of having Stolen Remus, and Remus is just like, “Um. What. No. There is only one _batshit insane Black_ I am interested in spending my life with, you _madman_.”

-Sirius and Remus _do_ make it into a bedroom in time, but unfortunately it is Regulus’s bedroom.

-“I am going to have to burn every piece of furniture in that room,” Regulus says in vast dismay.

-“Are they - um - together?” asks Harry, who is, as ever, Oblivious like it’s his job description.

-Regulus despairs of everything.

-So actually the rest of the summer goes pretty well, because it turns out that when Sirius isn’t Moping he’s actually sort of a lot of fun.

-Unfortunately he’s also one of the Marauders, which means his ideas of Fun involve Pranks!

-Harry is...mostly okay with this, once they establish a few boundaries.

-Regulus is Not Okay with this, Sirius, why is there _glitter in my shampoo_.

-Remus is...pretty sure drinking an entire bottle of Firewhiskey and going flying on your motorcycle is not actually a good life choice, Sirius.

-Regulus decides that Harry needs a sane role model in his life, which Sirius _clearly_ isn’t and Remus can’t be because he’s deliberately choosing to put up with Sirius on the regular (Regulus wishes he didn’t know _how_ regularly, for Merlin’s sake you guys, are silencing spells that hard to remember?)

-Harry isn’t quite sure why Professor Black keeps giving him little useful lessons in things like How and When to Use a Goddamn Silencing Spell, but it’s kind of neat and makes an interesting contrast to Sirius’s lessons on How to Prank Anyone But Especially Slytherins and Remus’s lessons on How to Cast Useful DA Spells.


	4. Not!Book Four

-So! Fourth year!

-Arthur Weasley invites Harry to the World Cup with him, and Regulus buys tickets for himself and Remus and laughs at Sirius who has to go as a dog because the wheels of justice turn _really slowly_ especially when that involves the entire wizarding justice department admitting that they essentially threw the heir to an important Lordship into prison without a trial, oops?

-Also Barty Crouch Sr is kind of not interested in letting anyone look into irregularities in the Voldemort War Trials for...personal reasons.

-So anyway Ireland wins but Krum gets the Snitch and Harry and Ron are having the time of their lives, and honestly Sirius is too because he gets to cadge food from _everyone_ and he gets ear scritches from Remus whenever he wants them and he gets to growl at that supercilious fuck Malfoy whenever he likes.

-Regulus doesn’t even object to Snuffles hating Malfoy, it’s objectively hilarious.

-Remus is Vastly Amused that Regulus and Sirius are So Obviously Brothers.

-And then Death Eaters.

-Remus and Sirius are both sticking to Harry like _glue_ and Regulus is up a tree somewhere sniping at his former comrades with the nastiest Light spells he knows because _fuck you fuckers anyway_

-It’s a lot harder for anyone to claim Harry put the Morsmordre up when Respected Professor Remus Lupin is right next to him saying he had fuckall to do with it

-Everyone assumes Respected Professor Remus Lupin resigned on account of the curse on the position, because Regulus is not enough of a dick to tell everyone that Remus is a werewolf. Remus is on Team Not Letting Potter Die Yet, why would Regulus backstab him like that?

-So anyway off we go to Hogwarts, and Regulus finds out at the first staff meeting that

1) Mad-Eye Moody is the DA teacher, because Albus is _really_ scraping the bottom of the barrel these days, did Remus _have_ to resign? Stupid Gryffindor morals.

2) The Tri-Wizard Tournament is going to be held at Hogwarts, because that’s a _really smart thing to do, Albus, what even the fuck_

-Also Mad-Eye Moody is _even crazier than he was last time I met him, Albus_

-No one outside the Trio is sure why Professor Black’s big scary dog likes Harry so much, but it’s pretty common these days to see Potter and Snuffles wandering around together

-Which is why Snuffles is in the DA classroom the day Mad-Eye Moody demonstrates the fucking _Unforgivables_ to the students

-Including poor Longbottom, who is understandably traumatized, and Snuffles _likes_ Longbottom, he’s always got some food for a dog who begs adorably enough, and of course _Harry_ , who should not have to deal with this shit, what was Moody _thinking_

-Which is why Regulus gets back to his chambers that night to a Truly Epic hissy fit from his brother on the tune of Things Harry Shouldn’t Have to See

-And Regulus is less squeamish than his brother, but yeah, showing fourth-years Unforgivable Curses is...weird even for Moody

-Regulus is a Slytherin and Sirius is a Marauder and the Blacks are not known for their impulse control

-They talk Remus into coming to visit Mad-Eye and distracting him, and they search Moody’s office and rooms

-Which results in them finding the _real_ Mad-Eye Moody at the bottom of an enormous locked chest

-Awkward.

-Sirius is...not known for his Tactical Planning, and rushes off to Confront the Fake Moody, which honestly goes better than it ought to, because Barty Crouch Jr is _not expecting_ Professor Black’s enormous dog to suddenly turn into _Sirius Black_ and hex him senseless

-Remus is...surprised.

-Regulus facepalms _forever_.

-Regulus also has to pretend that _he_ is the one who knocked out Fake Moody, because of course Sirius is _technically_ still an escaped convict and has to turn back into Snuffles pretty quickly, and once they get something approaching the truth out of Fake Moody it becomes rather clearer _why_ Barty Crouch Sr has been dragging his feet, doesn’t it now?

-Amelia Bones, who is now the ranking official in the justice department, has to go have a stiff drink, because _what even the fuck, Barty, what even the fuck_

-Remus gets dragged in as Interim DA Professor because he happens to be there and is known to be Competent. He insists he’ll be quitting _again_ at the end of the year.

-Unfortunately Fake Moody has already gotten Harry’s name into the Goblet before he’s discovered

_-Fortunately_ , because Fake Moody _was_ discovered, when Harry’s name comes out of the Goblet there’s a sort of collective “Welp, there’s the other shoe” reaction from...almost everybody, actually

-Harry still has to _compete_ , because the wizarding world does not have the concept of minors being exempted from binding contracts, but at least pretty much everyone is clear on him _not actually wanting to be here_

-Fleur and Krum and Diggory all sort of semi-adopt him as a mascot. ‘E is so _cute_ and _tiny_! And a pretty good Seeker. And his friend Erm-ow-ninny is very pretty girl, and so smart.

-Harry would have really preferred a year with less adventure in it. Alas.

-Harry does not have an appreciably smaller Savior Complex in this universe, so he still saves Gabrielle Delacour from the lake. Regulus is _so done_ with Gryffindor morality.

-Fleur is very grateful, though.

-Harry is also not appreciably less good at flying in this universe, and _has_ been getting private tutoring on...anything that seems appropriate...from two Blacks and a Lupin, so he still ends up outflying a Norwegian Ridgeback.

-Sirius does not know how his godson is still alive, if this is a normal sort of year.

_-Regulus_ does not know how Harry is still alive.

-Remus is in a state of Advanced Augh.

-Seriously, Albus, _dragons_. Why.

-Barty Crouch Jr did not have time to enchant the trophy cup.

-Unfortunately, Peter Pettigrew _did_.

-Harry and Cedric end up in a graveyard, and Regulus ends up curled around his Mark and swearing so profusely that even Sirius is impressed.

-Harry comes back with Cedric’s body, and Regulus Loses His Shit at Albus. In public.

-“I told you this was a fucking terrible idea, Albus! I told you He was going to find a way to come back! Did you listen? No! Did you listen after we discovered your best friend had been replaced by a fucking _supposed-to-be-dead Death Eater_? No! Did you listen after Potter there got entered into a fucking deadly competition he’s not even supposed to be _old enough to participate in_? No! What the everloving fuck is wrong with you?”

-Sirius would applaud, but he is a dog.

-Remus would applaud, but he is taking Harry to the infirmary, because he has Priorities and Harry is Traumatized and Bleeding.

-Fudge attempts to do damage control. Surely _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_ isn’t _really_ back, right?

-It goes Badly.

-When the Lord of the Ancient and Noble House of Black rips off his own sleeve and screams, “Does my Mark look fucking gone to _you_ , you incompetent asshole?” at the Minister for Magic, and said Lord is also one of the most well-respected Professors at Hogwarts, the Minister’s approval ratings tend to tank.

-Slytherin House is now torn between the students who think that Voldemort is their destined Great Leader and they should rejoice in his return, and the students who think Professor Black maybe has a point and in any case being casually tortured by the Dark Lord whenever he’s bored sounds like a bad career choice.

-Regulus doesn’t tone down his stories about his time in the Death Eaters when he’s talking to his House.

-There are a _lot_ more of the latter kind of students than the former.

-Regulus is a Slytherin, he’s supposed to be cunning and sneaky and fly under the radar, he shouldn’t be number two on Voldemort’s hit list, this is frankly embarrassing.

-Sirius is kind of indignant that his _brother_ is higher up Voldemort’s hit list than he is.

-Really, Sirius? Remus says. _That’s_ what bothers you about this situation?

-Harry doesn’t go back to the Dursleys that summer. He goes to Grimmauld Place, where he shares the house with an escaped not-technically-convict, a werewolf, a furious Potions professor, and occasional Weasleys. His life is _so weird_.

-Hermione immerses herself in the Black Library and has to be occasionally coaxed out for meals.


	5. Not!Book Five

-Fifth year, the Ministry does not try to take over Hogwarts. Minister Fudge is too busy scrambling to do damage control, because when the Lord of the Ancient and Noble House of Black starts doing _everything in his power_ to get you out of office and put someone _competent_ in...well.

-Remus comes back instead, because Werewolf is less important in Regulus’s book than Team Not Letting Potter Die Yet, and Remus _is_ essentially a rational creature. Regulus only has to explain his logic at the top of his lungs three times, which is pretty good when Gryffindors are involved.

-Harry isn’t sure how he feels about people being on Team Not Letting Potter Die Yet. He isn’t good at letting people protect him. Regulus is _so done_ with Gryffindors, seriously.

-Harry essentially has two pets that year, one being Hedwig and the other being technically-Professor-Black’s-dog Snuffles, who sleeps at the foot of his bed every night

-Which is why Sirius knows as soon as Harry starts having _screaming nightmares_ about being Voldemort and/or an enormous people-eating snake

-Which, that’s a good reason to have nightmares

-And after the third nightmare which is pretty clearly a _vision_ not a nightmare, Sirius goes right down to Regulus and is like, “So Harry is having visions in which he’s seeing through Voldemort’s eyes,” and Regulus is like, “Well fuck, that’s what that does.”

-To which Sirius responds, “That’s what _what_ does?”

-Which results in Regulus explaining about the Horcrux in Harry’s scar.

-Sirius has a fit, which Regulus pretty much expected. What Regulus _wasn’t_ expecting was how angry _Remus_ gets.

-Remus doesn’t yell. Remus doesn’t pace around waving his arms in the air. Remus doesn’t hex the tapestries. Remus gets Very Calm and Regulus can see the wolf in his eyes.

-“This is why it is Team Not Letting Potter Die _Yet_ , isn’t it,” says Remus, Very Calmly.

-“Er,” says Regulus, abruptly remembering that Remus is a Werewolf.

-“That is not acceptable,” says Remus, Very Calmly.

-“Look, we’ve been hunting for three years and we can’t find _any_ way to get a Horcrux out of a living creature without killing them,” says Regulus.

-“He’s my godson!” says Sirius, loudly.

-“He’s my _cub_ ,” says Remus, Very Calmly.

-“I like the kid too!” says Regulus, who can sense that he is losing this argument.

-“We will find another way,” says Remus.

-“In the meantime,” says Regulus, who has a Slytherin’s instinct for when to stop arguing because it’s clearly not going to go anywhere, “he should probably learn Occlumency to help with the nightmares.”

-Harry learns Occlumency from the Black brothers, which is...an experience.

-Sirius learned Occlumency from his father, who had a _lot_ of things to keep from his mother, and then later from the Department of Mysteries after he became an Auror. His version has a lot of “setting traps in your mind so your enemies really regret trying this.”

-Regulus learned Occlumency from his mother, who had a _hell_ of a lot of things to keep from his father, and then later from being servant to a batshit insane Dark Lord. His version has a lot of “hiding everything important under lots and lots of obfuscating facts and memories.”

-Harry has near-constant headaches, but at least they’re because of Blacks and not Voldemort.

-Remus says sympathetically, “I’m afraid the only thing that helps with Black-induced headaches is Firewhiskey, and you’re still too young for that. Have some chocolate!”

-“Oh, you were drinking when you were fifteen, lighten up a little,” says Sirius, and smuggles a bottle of Firewhiskey into Hogwarts.

-“No,” says Remus, and takes it away again.

-Harry carefully doesn’t mention that time Fred and George smuggled a bottle in and everyone in Gryffindor Tower got a bit squiffy.

-Voldemort _does_ try to convince Harry that his godfather is being held in the Department of Mysteries.

-Since Snuffles is asleep on Harry’s feet at the time, that doesn’t have quite the intended effect.

-All in all it’s the only year thus far where Harry doesn’t have at least one near-death experience, which is a new and interesting concept for him, and he’s _almost_ ready to declare it the best year ever, even allowing for the horrid headaches…

-Which is when he finally manages to master basic Occlumency, and Regulus and Albus sit him down and tell him about the Prophecy and explain about the Horcruxes he’s already destroyed.

-They don’t mention the Horcrux in his scar, though.

-Harry is...not happy to discover that it’s him or Voldemort, but on the flip side he’s already killed five-sevenths of Voldemort’s soul and also his godfather isn’t dead, so he doesn’t have a temper tantrum that destroys Dumbledore’s office. He just goes off and has a good long think, and then he talks it over with Ron and Hermione, and eventually comes to the conclusion that he sort of knew this already, he just didn’t have it _confirmed_ , and really this explains a lot.

-Also during the course of fifth year, in service of Team Not Letting Potter Die Yet, Remus and Regulus between them start the Defence Club, for anyone who wants some extra tutoring in duelling and so on

-It’s very popular, and Harry makes a lot of friends when it turns out he’s not just good at Defense, he’s a pretty good _teacher_ , and he basically ends up as the teachers’ assistant for the DC, and is happy as a pig in mud

-So that’s fifth year.

-And then at the end of fifth year, Regulus _finally_ manages to get a quorum of the Wizengamot together, and Sirius is officially exonerated and given a formal apology for the whole tossing-you-in-Azkaban-without-a-trial thing.

-This has several effects:

1) Sirius stops following Harry around as a big black dog and _starts_ following him around as a human

2) ...and then realizes that’s not going to work so well at Hogwarts and goes back to following him around as a dog.

3) Sirius formally takes custody of Harry, his godson, and declares that Harry never has to so much as _see_ a Dursley again

4) Regulus points out that since Sirius is the elder son, this makes Sirius Lord Black

5) Sirius has a fit of the screaming meemies at the thought of _politics_ and formally abdicates the title in favor of his brother, who’s been doing a pretty good job so far


	6. Not!Book Six

-Harry spends the summer at Grimmauld Place

-Regulus, Remus, Sirius, Albus, and Bill Weasley spend the summer trying to figure out how to de-Horcrux Harry without killing him

-Voldemort spends the summer moving into Malfoy Manor, which the Order of the Phoenix figures out after Sirius gets _very_ drunk and flies his motorcycle to Malfoy Manor in order to “glitterbomb those pretentious wannabe-Blacks.”

-Glitter apparently does not register as a threat to the Malfoy wards, even when it’s been spelled to be unremovable

-Not that glitter really _needs_ to be spelled to be unremovable

-Sirius figures out who exactly is in residence when a rainbow-glitter-covered Voldemort comes out of the Manor at speed and tries to hex him off his motorcycle

-In retrospect, it wasn’t Sirius’s brightest idea ever, but he _did_ learn where Voldemort was!

-Remus is not impressed by this explanation

-Regulus is...Regulus has given up being surprised by his insane brother’s antics. _Gryffindors_. Seriously.

-Bill Weasley mentions this particular spectacular prank to his younger brothers

-Fred and George Weasley show up at Grimmauld Place, fall at Sirius’s feet, and cry, “Teach us, O Great One!”

-Sirius very happily takes Gred and Forge as his apprentices in the Way of the Marauder

-Regulus has a stiff drink

-On the train to Hogwarts that fall, Harry is approached by a hooded Draco Malfoy, whose hair is utterly covered in red glitter.

-“Potter,” says Malfoy, through clenched teeth, “tell me there is a way to get this off.”

-“Holy shit,” says Harry, staring. “You look like a really shiny Weasley.”

-“ _Potter_ ,” says Malfoy, clearly inches away from hexing everything in sight.

-“What’ll you give me for it?” asks Harry, who _has_ been spending a lot of time with Regulus recently.

-“What do you _want_?” Malfoy demands.

-Harry says, “A favor of the same value to be named later.” Malfoy, who has _not_ been spending lots of time with Professor Black, says, “Sure.”

-Harry _does_ get a picture before he charms the glitter off, though, just for posterity.

-Harry’s sixth year is the year that Severus Snape, fuelled entirely by Pure Spite (™), reinvents the Animagus transformation from scratch and escapes from Azkaban as an extremely angry bat

-The anger is not improved by the fact that he is a bat rather than a snake or a large predator or, indeed, anything suitably impressive.

_-Black_ gets to be a Grim, but what does Snape get? A damned _bat_. Fucking _Black_.

-On the other hand, bats can fly, which makes Snape’s escape rather easier than Sirius’s was.

-At this point, Snape is rather dubiously sane, on account of fifteen years in Azkaban, which even if he didn’t have to interact much with the Dementors was fifteen years of either solitary confinement or confinement across from the man he hates worst in all the world.

-Snape therefore has two driving obsessions right now:

1) Voldemort killed Lily Evans and must therefore die.

2) Snape _has to_ outdo Sirius Black, or die trying.

-Snape heads for Hogwarts on the theory that he’ll find _something_ there, quite possibly Black

-He finds the _wrong_ Black, as it happens, but more creepily he happens to be flapping around Gryffindor Tower and through a window he sees Lily Evans! Alive! Again!

-...flirting with James Potter again, Merlin dammit.

-...well, alright, he fucked up wooing her _last_ time by joining the Death Eaters. This time he’ll do it right!

-Every woman loves dead Death Eaters as courting gifts, right?

-So about a week after the news that Severus Snape, Death Eater, has escaped Azkaban, Hagrid goes out to open the main doors and discovers a dead Death Eater on the front step of Hogwarts with a neat little note that says, “ _For Lily_.”

-General consensus is that this is Weird.

-But it _is_ useful to Regulus, who takes the dead Death Eater - who is in full regalia, cloak and mask and everything - in to the Ministry and performs a wonderful scene tentatively titled “If Voldemort Isn’t Back From The Dead Why Is There A Death Eater Right Here, Minister Fudge?”

-He brings all of the subsequent ones in, too.

-After the fourth one there’s a vote of No Confidence and brand-new Minister Scrimgeour asks very politely if Professor Lord Black could maybe bring the dead Death Eaters to Amelia Bones instead of dumping them in the Atrium, since the Ministry is going to start taking the threat seriously now.

-Meanwhile Voldemort has been distracted from the Order of the Phoenix and That Annoyance Potter by the interesting question of Who Is Killing My Death Eaters, since his spies are pretty clear that it’s _not_ Potter and the Order.

-Voldemort can occasionally have Priorities, and anyway he knows exactly where Potter and Dumbledore are, he can ignore them for a few months while he deals with this Inconvenience.

-Also, he has decided that as long as someone is killing his Death Eaters, he will get _MORE_ Death Eaters, and has staged a wholesale breakout of the Death Eaters held in Azkaban.

-(There aren’t as many as there might be, since Harry never went to the Department of Mysteries, and therefore Malfoy Sr is still being a supercilious political arse rather than an escaped prisoner. He _is_ , however, having some Second Thoughts brought on by having his Lord living _in his house_ and being Crazy and Homicidal all over everything.)

-Meanwhile, Malfoy Jr is acting Weird.

-Harry is practically an expert on Malfoy these days, and the skulking is Weird.

-On an unrelated note, Grimmauld Place keeps getting these deliveries of poisoned chocolate. Kreacher is delighted. Finally, a courting worthy of a Black!

-(No one but Kreacher is there to see them, of course, because Regulus and Remus are Professors and Sirius is being Snuffles.)

-Actually it turns out this _is_ a related note.

-Because the night that Malfoy was supposed to get his Great Duty from Voldemort, which _was_ going to be Killing Albus Dumbledore, was the night Sirius decided to glitterbomb the Manor

-And Voldemort, whose Priorities can be skewed by Utter Wrath, decided that Malfoy’s Great Duty was going to be Killing That Fucker Black, How Dare He Disrespect Me, I Want His Head

-Malfoy is actually sort of okay with this at first because his hair is covered in shiny red glitter and he looks like an off-brand Weasley, which is Not Acceptable

-But then he realizes that killing Sirius means killing his favorite Professor’s brother

-And also Sirius is technically his cousin or second cousin or something and that’s...Awkward

-But if he doesn’t his mother will suffer

-Malfoy is having a Bad Year.

-Regulus finds him brewing Yet Another batch of poisoned chocolate and is like, ??? This is not a class assignment.

-Followed by “Please tell me you’re not the person who’s been sending all that poisoned chocolate, Kreacher has been in raptures, it’s frankly disturbing.”

-Malfoy has a small nervous breakdown on the theme of I Have To Kill Your Brother Or The Dark Lord Will Kill My Whole Family

-Regulus has a sudden intense desire for a stiff drink

-Technically Regulus has some responsibility for Narcissa on account of she is his cousin and a Black, and therefore some responsibility for Draco on account of he is Narcissa’s kid and half a Black, and in any case letting Malfoy keep trying to kill Sirius is just going to end in tears and poisoned chocolate

-Also Regulus remembers being a sixteen-year-old stupid kid getting caught up in Voldemort’s clutches and kind of doesn’t want any of his House to follow that path, it was a terrible path

-Also Regulus is a Black and Blacks are good at drama and poor impulse control

-So what he does is call Sirius in and say, “Hey, brother, do you want to fake your own death and have an enormous funeral so I can kidnap Cousin Narcissa?”

-Draco is in the corner trying to figure out when his life took an abrupt left turn into Weirdville, Population Him

-Sirius is like, “OMG enormous funeral can I come as a Grim and frighten everyone? Please?”

-Regulus, who is only the practical one if you ask _him_ , is like, “That is a great idea, it will give me a perfect opportunity to kidnap Cousin Narcissa, truly we are tactical geniuses.”

-Sirius wants there to be So Much Glitter and is rather put out when Regulus vetoes that plan.

-Harry, when told about this, decides that Amateur Dramatics on the theme of My Godfather Is Dead And Everything Is Terrible sound like a lot of fun, and wants to be chief mourner at the funeral

-Hermione is So Done with all of these people

-Remus declares that he will go to the funeral in ashes and sackcloth and rend his clothing dramatically at appropriate points for extra pathos

-Hermione is Even More Done and goes off to write to Viktor, who can be relied on to talk about sensible things like spellcrafting and also say nice things about her hair

-Albus decides that having Sirius be Officially Dead might actually be a good tactical move in the war, and authorizes the use of Hogwarts grounds for the Epic Funeral, but adds some...tactical revisions to the Kidnapping portion of the show

-Minerva joins Hermione in the corner of Done With Everything

-Sirius designs his own fake corpse, because of course he does

-The Epic Funeral goes off without a hitch, somewhat to everyone’s surprise, and Narcissa is _exceedingly_ surprised to be invited to Post-Funeral Tea by her Cousin Regulus and given a Portkey to a secluded and well-warded villa in France, to be used when necessary.

-Snape, who watched the whole funeral upside-down in a tree, is Delighted. He has Outlived Black! He has Won! Take that, Black!

-Voldemort is also Delighted. Tiny Malfoy is just as useful as Larger Malfoy! But will probably be most useful at Hogwarts at least until after graduation next year, says Narcissa fawningly. He can spy on Cousin Regulus The Traitor!

-Voldemort is pleased to allow this, since Great Victory has been his, and he is feeling Beneficent.

-...as Beneficent as Voldemort every gets, anyhow.

-And only towards the Malfoys, who have Successfully Completed A Mission and are providing this lovely big manor for him to keep his giant snake in the manner to which he wishes her to become accustomed, as opposed to all the people he has on the Find Whoever Is Killing My Death Eaters mission, who are failing miserably

-To be completely fair to them, they have no idea that they should be looking for a bat.

-Harry gets to Mope Dramatically for the rest of sixth year

-Remus gets to be Quietly But Distinctly Sad, which causes three-fourths of the students to want to Comfort the Sad Professor by Not Going Dark and Also Tea

-Regulus gets to milk The Dark Lord Had My Brother Killed for everything it’s worth, which means his political star and his ability to convince tiny Slytherins that the Dark Lord really doesn’t give a flying fuck about purebloods both go through the _roof_

-Sirius-as-Snuffles gets a lot of ear-scritches and is Very Pleased with himself

-Which brings us to the end of sixth year


	7. Not!Book Seven

-Harry spends the summer before seventh year getting tutoring on How Not To Die from Sirius, while Regulus and Remus and Bill Weasley and Albus spend all day, every day, trying to figure out how to de-Horcrux Harry

-It’s actually Bill Weasley who has the breakthrough

-“Surely there must be a way for the person who created the Horcrux to get the soul back _out_ ,” he says.

-“Merlin’s _balls_ ,” says Regulus, “you’re right.”

-“Do we... _want_ to give Voldemort a part of his soul back?” Albus asks.

-“We want to keep Harry from dying,” Remus says, Very Calmly.

-“Capital! Let’s figure out how to send the soul-fragment back to Voldemort!” says Albus, who has not gotten to be this old without being able to recognize a Potentially Homicidal Werewolf when he sees one

-Between Scrimgeour at the Ministry and the Order of the Phoenix under Albus’s continued control and the Mysterious Person who keeps leaving dead Death Eaters at Hogwarts, Voldemort is not making as much headway as he would like

-Clearly Something Must Be Done

-The only person who has successfully done _anything_ in the last year is Young Malfoy, who will be at Hogwarts again in the fall

-Voldemort tells Young Malfoy to find a way to drop the Hogwarts wards so that Voldemort’s forces can enter, Or Else

-“Of course, dread Lord, great Master, it is my immeasurable honor to serve you,” says Malfoy, groveling as dramatically as he can.

-“I think that once school has started would be a _wonderful_ time to use that Portkey,” says Narcissa, that night.

-“How could you even think of betraying our Lord so?” demands Malfoy Sr, furiously.

-“Obliviate,” Narcissa sighs.

-So seventh year starts, and pretty much first thing after the Welcoming Feast, Malfoy shows up at Regulus’s rooms and spills the whole thing, because being Evil is one thing but being Evil for someone who regularly tortures people is another thing entirely

-Regulus drags him straight up to the Headmaster’s Office and makes him repeat it

-Albus looks Wise and Cunning and strokes his beard thoughtfully

-Regulus does not say Rude Things about Albus’s overblown sense of the dramatic, mostly because he knows perfectly well he doesn’t have a leg to stand on after the Epic Funeral

-Albus hatches a Plan (™)

-The first bit of seventh year is actually pretty uneventful, and Harry spends it waiting for the Other Shoe to drop, but the only things that drop are another large handful of dead Death Eaters, who show up on the doorstep every week like clockwork

-Voldemort is starting to run low on Death Eaters, and more worryingly, he’s not getting all that many new recruits, because given the choice between Torture-Happy Dark Lord and Professor Black Who Is At Least Mostly Sane, a surprisingly large number of people are choosing Professor Black

-Just before Christmas break, Albus declares that there is going to be some minor renovation work on the castle and Everyone Must Go Home

-Draco sends a message to Voldemort claiming he will hide in the castle so as to drop the wards at an opportune moment, Be Ready, My Lord, Our Victory Is At Hand!

-...and as soon as the castle is empty, the entire Order of the Phoenix and as many Aurors as they could find who were definitely not in league with Voldemort Floo in

-Also quite a lot of the Defense Club

-What the fuck, says Regulus reasonably. Why are there children?

-This is our fight too, says Neville Longbottom, looking a lot less meek than he did in first year.

-We are all on Team Not Letting Harry Die, Hermione adds practically.

-Also they’ve timed it so there’s no opportunity for them all to be sent home, because as soon as all the adults have gotten into position, two things happen:

1) Bill Weasley and Poppy Pomfrey successfully cast the spell which sends the Horcrux _out_ of Harry’s head and back into Voldemort, which is a very odd sensation for everyone involved, but Voldemort doesn’t have time to figure out what just happened, because

2) Albus drops Hogwarts’s wards and Draco sends a message back to Voldemort saying the castle is open for the taking

-Narcissa Malfoy Stuns her husband and Portkeys both of them to France, where a Very Relieved Draco joins them moments later

-Voldemort and his remaining Death Eaters show up, expecting a nearly-empty castle and minimal resistance

-The Battle of Hogwarts ensues

-Highlights include:

1) Ginny Weasley being cornered by Bellatrix Black and _nearly_ killed, except that a fucking enormous bat interposes itself between them and takes the Killing Curse meant for Ginny, and dies with what everyone swears is a look of utter satisfaction on its face

-Literally no one ever figures out what the fuck was up with that, but the bat is buried in Ottery St Catchpole with full honors

2) Neville Longbottom drawing the Sword of Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat (delivered courtesy of Fawkes) and beheading Nagini

3) Regulus Black being cornered by about eight furious Death Eaters and being rescued by his brother, who surprises the Death Eaters by appearing abruptly behind them and yelling, “Back from the dead, fuckwits! Eat that!”

4) Remus ends up facing off against Pettigrew, who has a silver hand which is poisoning him to death on account of the lycanthropy and Voldemort being Terrible. Pettigrew ends up dead. Eyewitnesses report he may have thanked Remus for the mercy.

5) Ron, Hermione, and Viktor Krum (a late and rather surprising addition to the Order) being a really quite effective team (“Er-my-own-nee is brain, I am brawn, you can be good looks,” Krum is heard to say. Ron spends the entire battle blushing furiously.)

6) Harry and Albus and Hedwig taking Voldemort on together

-It turns out the Power the Dark Lord Knows Not is that of a really pissed off snowy owl doing her damnedest to claw his eyes out, during which rather chaotic interlude it’s surprisingly simple for Harry to trip Voldemort off the main dais

-Landing on one’s head on a stone floor is liable to break even the most Dark Lord-y of necks

-A whole bunch of historians have despaired of making the Battle of Hogwarts sound properly heroic when the Chosen One just tripped the Dark Lord and he broke his own fool neck by landing wrong

-Nonetheless it’s remarkably effective.

-Hogwarts re-opens after the Christmas Break, and the most interesting thing to happen to Harry for the rest of the year is testifying in front of the entire Wizengamot that his godfather is, in point of fact, Not Dead and that the whole thing was an elaborate act for the purpose of fooling Voldemort

-Harry graduates with the rest of his class and promptly signs up to be Seeker with the Chudley Cannons, to Ron’s immense gratification

-He spends seven years with the Cannons and leads them to the World Cup once, and then retires to become the DA Teacher’s Assistant at Hogwarts

-When Remus finally retires, Harry becomes DA Teacher, and by that point enough time has passed that he mostly doesn’t have to deal with awestruck students except during the week when Binns talks about the Second Voldemort War

-The rest of the time they tend to come up and ask him in hopeful tones if he’s _really_ the husband of the famous Chaser Ginny Weasley, under whose captainship the Holyhead Harpies have become _the_ team to beat

-And Sirius ends up becoming the silent third partner in the Weasley Twins’ joke shop, and spends the rest of his life gleefully coming up with ever-weirder pranks while Remus sighs dramatically at all of them

-And Regulus surprises himself and everyone else by being named Headmaster when Headmistress McGonagall finally steps down, and becoming the first Slytherin Head of Hogwarts in a century and a half

-It doesn’t surprise anyone when Harry ends up Headmaster after _him_ , though

-And they all live happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know.
> 
> The Deathly Hallows annoy me because there's no kriffing _foreshadowing_. How hard would it be to have Harry skim a copy of the Tales of Beedle the Bard in first year, or someone comment in third year that his cloak is unusually sturdy and long-lasting, or someone notice in fifth year that when it's _really_ important, Albus Dumbledore uses another wand? But instead we just get sudden MacGuffins in the seventh book, when we've _already_ got too many MacGuffins as it is. Hmph.
> 
> I'm on tumblr as imaginarygolux if you want to come by, though!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [From a Different Kind of Madness](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916699) by [qwertynerd97 (Daffidill23)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daffidill23/pseuds/qwertynerd97)




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